Google-Whatever Next

Senator Joe Barton (R-TX), co-founder of the congressional bi-partisan privacy caucus has received replies from Google to questions he posed about the privacy of user and subject data obtained using their new wearable technology Google Glass. “Google Glass has,” he said, “the potential to change the way people communicate and interact. ” Meanwhile, British journalist Jemima Kiss, writing in today’s Guardian newspaper said, without a trace of irony, “Eyes are on Google to set a standard of good practice for the wearable technology as multiple devices start to come to market.”

Since we are relying on Google to, “set the standard,” in this department, your intrepid news reporter has conducted an examination of recent patent applications filed by Google and is able to bring you news of those future technologies due to be launched from a store near you soon.

Whereas Google-Glass is just an iPhone for people who are too tired to take their iPhone out of their pocket, the next step will be Google-Spoon, a spoon for people too lazy to feed themselves. The spoon will analyze the user’s nutritional requirements and metabolic rate and determine not only what they need to eat but when they need to eat it, and it will feed it to them in convenient bite-sized Google-mouthfulls at a rate determined by the current state of their digestive tract. This will of course be fully coordinated with Google-Flute, a glass programmed to determine the best wine to go with the food their Google-Spoon has chosen for them.

Next up will be Google-Pen, a biro capable of emulating your hand writing that will complete job applications on your behalf, and after that will be Google-Job which will of course do the job for you should you be lucky enough to get one. Your boss will of course be wearing Google-Sack, which will automatically fire any employees not meeting their pre-set Google-Expectations and any money you might be lucky enough to earn will be pre-spent for you by Google-Wallet, saving you the annoying trouble of having a Google-Life of your own.

Privacy concerns raised by the possible cross interaction of these devices with your phone or email traffic will be dealt with securely by Google-Spy. This microchip injected under your eyebrow at birth will collect all data handled by the other devices and your time-stamped GPS co-ordinates and these will be sent securely to a cloud server under the protection of your overarching Google-Password. The server will have the words, “your privacy is our main concern,” painted on the side proving conclusively that anyone doubting Google’s integrity is just a paranoid ninny.

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